What Gaslighting in a Relationship Actually Looks Like? My 9 Helpful Hints
I get asked about what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like all the time, as well as what is gaslighting? So this blog is written for you!
Gaslighting is a term that has gained a lot of attention in recent years, especially in the context of relationships. Yet, despite its prevalence in discussions about emotional abuse, many people still struggle to understand what gaslighting truly entails.
My blog post aims to demystify gaslighting, explaining what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like, how to recognise it, and its potential impact on the victim, you! By understanding all the signs and tactics of gaslighting, you can better protect yourself and others from this insidious form of manipulation. So let's get started!
1. What is Gaslighting?
What gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like is a form of psychological manipulation where a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in another individual's mind, making them question their own memory, perception, or even sanity.
This term originates from the 1938 play "Gas Light," when a husband manipulates his long-standing wife into thinking that she is losing her grip on reality.
In relationships, gaslighting can be particularly damaging, as it often involves a gradual process that erodes the victim's confidence and self-worth over time.
2. Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
1. Denial of Facts: One of the most common signs of what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like is the outright denial of facts or events that have occurred. The gaslighter will insist that something didn't happen or happened differently than the victim remembers. For example, they might say, "I never said that" or "You're imagining things."
This has happened a lot to me - I honestly thought I was going crazy!
2. Trivialising Feelings: Gaslighters often belittle or dismiss the victim's feelings, making them feel as though their emotions are invalid or irrational. They might say things like, "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive."
Oh yes oh yes, identify with this? I certainly do!
3. Shifting Blame: A gaslighter will frequently shift blame onto the victim, making them feel responsible for the issues in the relationship. They might accuse the victim of being the one who is causing problems or insist that any negative behaviour is a reaction to the victim's actions. This is absolutely a key part of what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like.
"I'd go into an discussion thinking I was definitely correct on something and by the end, it was all 'MY FAULT'!
4. Withholding Information: Gaslighters may deliberately withhold information to keep the victim in the dark and maintain control. They might refuse to share details about their actions or whereabouts, creating a sense of mystery and unease.
5. Using Compassion as a Tool: Sometimes, gaslighters will use compassion and concern as tools of manipulation. What gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like might be to pretend to care deeply about the victim's well-being, only to use this guise to further control and undermine them.
If I was sick or unwell, he'd be there for me, and then use this to manipulate me to do stuff for him at a later date. How nice!
6. Rewriting History: A gaslighter will often rewrite history to fit their narrative, insisting that past events unfolded differently than the victim recalls. This tactic could leave the victim feeling confused and doubtful of their own memories.
3. The Impact of Gaslighting
The effects of gaslighting can be devastating, leading to long-term emotional and psychological harm. Victims often experience anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of self-doubt. They may feel isolated and disconnected from their own sense of reality, making it difficult to trust themselves or others.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline shows us that nearly 48% of people have experienced and tolerated psychological aggression by a romantic partner at some point in their lives, highlighting the prevalence and impact of gaslighting and similar behaviours.
4. Steps to Recognise and Address Gaslighting
1. Trust Your Feelings: What gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like is if something feels off in your relationship, trust your instincts. Gaslighting often starts subtly, so it's crucial to pay attention to your feelings and experiences. It really is!
2. Document Your Experiences: Keep a journal of your interactions with your partner, noting any instances where you feel manipulated or confused. Having a written record can help you identify patterns and provide evidence of gaslighting.
My clients and I have definitely done this, and its much easier to highlight how often the issues occur and believe yourself.
3. Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist (aka ME) about your experiences. Having an outside perspective can help validate your feelings and provide support.
My family helped me see the patterns before I did.
4. Set Boundaries: Establish clear and set boundaries with your partner/ relationship and communicate your needs and expectations. If your partner continues to gaslight you, consider whether the relationship is healthy and sustainable. Probably not...
5. Educate Yourself: Learn more about gaslighting and what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like as well as other forms of emotional abuse. Understanding the tactics and effects of gaslighting can empower you to recognise and resist manipulation. You go girl (or boy of course!)...
5. Real-life Examples of Gaslighting
To further illustrate the concept of gaslighting and what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like, let's look at some of my real-life client scenarios that highlight different aspects of this manipulative behaviour:
Example 1: The Constant Critic Emily often feels belittled by her partner, John. Whenever she shares her achievements or opinions, John responds with sarcasm or dismissive remarks. When Emily confronts him about his behaviour, John insists she's being too sensitive and that he's just joking. Over time, Emily starts to doubt her worth and feels guilty for being upset, believing she is overreacting.
Example 2: The Master of Denial Mark frequently tells his partner, Sarah, that she's mistaken about events. If Sarah remembers an argument where Mark raised his voice, he flatly denies it, claiming she's fabricating stories. Sarah starts questioning her memory and perception, eventually feeling like she can't trust her own mind.
Example 3: The False Protector Rachel's partner, Tom, constantly expresses concern for her well-being, advising her against spending time with certain friends or engaging in activities without him. He frames his control as worry for her safety, but in reality, he's isolating her and making her dependent on him for social interaction and validation. Not good!
6. Psychological Effects of Gaslighting
The psychological toll of gaslighting and what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like, can be profound and long-lasting. Victims may suffer from a range of emotional and mental health issues, including:
1. Anxiety and Depression: Constant doubt and second-guessing can lead to chronic anxiety. The persistent invalidation of feelings and experiences can also contribute to depression, as victims feel trapped and powerless. Just like I did.
2. Low Self-Esteem: As gaslighting erodes a person's confidence and self-worth, victims often struggle with low self-esteem. They may feel they are not good enough or incapable of making decisions.
Abusers prey on people with low self-esteem like I had, because it gives them the upper hand to take advantage of you. So miserable hey.
3. Isolation: Gaslighters often isolate their victims from family and friends, making it harder for them to seek support and validation. This isolation deepens the victim's reliance on the gaslighter, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
If I went to my parents he hated it. Luckily they wouldn't take 'No' for answer.
4. Difficulty Trusting Others: After experiencing gaslighting, and what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like, you may find it hard to trust others, fearing manipulation and deceit. This distrust can extend to future relationships, affecting your ability to form healthy connections. This has definitely affected most of the clients I have.
7. Statistics and Research on Gaslighting
Understanding the prevalence and impact of gaslighting and what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like, is crucial for recognising its seriousness. Research on emotional abuse and gaslighting provides valuable insights:
1. Prevalence: Studies indicate that emotional abuse, including gaslighting, is widespread. The National Domestic Violence Hotline tells us nearly half of individuals in the U.S. have, at some point in their lives, experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner.
2. Gender Differences: What gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like also suggests that women are more likely to experience gaslighting in intimate relationships, although men can also be victims. The dynamics of power and control in traditional gender roles often exacerbate the likelihood of women being gaslighted.
3. Long-term Effects: Longitudinal studies show that the effects of gaslighting and emotional abuse can persist long after the relationship ends. Victims may experience lingering psychological issues, including PTSD and ongoing difficulties in trusting others.
8. Taking Action Against Gaslighting
1. Empowerment Through Education: Educating yourself about what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like, is the first step towards empowerment. Understanding the tactics and effects of gaslighting helps you to recognise when you are being manipulated and resist the abuser's attempts to control you.
2. Building a Support System: Having a solid support system is essential. Friends, family, mental health professionals and therapists can provide the validation and assistance needed to break free from an abusive relationship. Support groups for survivors of emotional abuse could also offer a sense of community and understanding. Support groups were invaluable to me when I started out on this journey.
3. Seeking Professional Help: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial for victims of gaslighting and learning what gaslighting in a relationship actually looks like. A skilled therapist can help rebuild self-esteem, validate experiences, and develop strategies to cope with and overcome the effects of gaslighting.
If you would like me to help, please contact me here.
4. Legal and Safety Measures: In cases where gaslighting is part of a broader pattern of abuse, legal and safety measures may be necessary. This can include obtaining restraining orders or seeking shelter in safe housing programs. Speak to your lawyer or solicitor, even the Police about this. I did.
9. What Gaslighting in a Relationship Actually Looks Like? Final Thoughts
Gaslighting is a pernicious form of emotional abuse that can leave deep psychological scars. Recognising a lot of the signs and understanding the tactics used by gaslighters are critical steps in protecting yourself and others from this form of manipulation.
By being aware, seeking support, and taking action, victims of gaslighting can reclaim their sense of reality and self-worth. Yes that's you! Remember, everyone is entitled to be in a relationship where they feel valued, respected, and heard.
If you or someone you know is experiencing gaslighting, don't hesitate to reach out for help. There are lots of resources are available, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and local support groups can provide the assistance needed to look at and overcome this challenging situation.
You've got this, and I'm here for you.
If you've loved learning about 'What Gaslighting in a Relationship Actually Looks Like' then you will love my blog about What Is Narcissistic Supply In Relationships.
If you'd like to take action now, you can join my waiting list for my 2024 'Harmful to Healthy Relationships Course' which will be launched soon. A proven way to change your current reality, change your toxic cycle and find love. Click here to be first in the queue!
Always here,
Livia