How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist
How to set boundaries when co parenting with a narcissist is a really tough subject, one I am passionate about and one I am asked a lot about by my clients (and friends!) so I really hope this blog helps you in a big way, if this is what you are going through.
Co-parenting is already challenging under normal circumstances, but when you're co-parenting with a narcissist, the difficulties can feel insurmountable. A narcissist's self-centred behaviour, manipulative tactics, and lack of empathy can make healthy communication nearly impossible.
However, setting clear and firm boundaries can help protect and preserve your mental and emotional well-being while also ensuring that your children are raised in a stable, and loving environment.
In my blog post, we'll explore how to effectively set boundaries when co-parenting with a narcissist, with actionable steps, statistics, and expert insights to guide you.
Let's dig in to this emotional and frustrating subject.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist.
Understanding the Challenge
Narcissism is now helpfully, a well known personality disorder which is characterised by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need of the individual for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a total lack of empathy for others.
When dealing with narcissist, and how to set boundaries when co parenting with a narcissist, crucial to recognise that their behaviour is unlikely to change. This understanding is super important in developing realistic expectations and effective strategies for co-parenting. Which is something that can be pretty hard to get your head around.
The National Institute of Mental Health says that an estimated 1% of the general population is diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), with a higher prevalence in men (up to 75% of those diagnosed). While these numbers might seem small, the impact on families can be significant.
Narcissists often employ manipulation, gaslighting, and control tactics that can leave you feeling frustrated, exhausted, and powerless. Therefore, setting boundaries is not just necessary—it's vital.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist
Step 1: Define Your Boundaries Clearly
The first step in how to set boundaries when co parenting with a narcissist is to clearly define what those boundaries are. This might include:
Communication Protocols: Limit conversations to topics related to the children. Avoid engaging in personal or emotional discussions that the narcissist can use against you, no matter how hard that feels.
Time Management: Set specific times for pickups, drop-offs, and any other interactions. Stick to these times strictly to minimise unnecessary contact.
Decision-Making: Establish a process for making decisions about the children's welfare that does not involve the narcissist's approval or disapproval. This might involve legal agreements or the involvement of a neutral third party.
When you have these boundaries clearly defined in your mind (and/or on paper) it becomes easier to communicate them and, more importantly, enforce them.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Step 2: Communicate Boundaries Assertively
Once you've defined your boundaries, the next step is to communicate them assertively. It's essential to be firm but not confrontational, as narcissists thrive on conflict and will often escalate situations to maintain control.
Use clear, direct language and avoid any emotional triggers that the narcissist might exploit.
For example, instead of saying, "You always make me feel terrible when you're late," try, "Drop-offs are at 5 PM, as agreed. I will be leaving if you are not here by 5:15 PM."
In a 2020 survey that the American Psychological Association undertook, 65% of respondents who co-parented with a narcissist reported that clear and assertive communication significantly reduced conflict and helped maintain their mental health. Thank goodness for that.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Step 3: Use Parallel Parenting Techniques
Parallel parenting is an approach specifically designed for high-conflict situations, such as co-parenting with a narcissist. It's a MUST in this situation. This method minimises direct communication and interaction between the parents, allowing each to parent independently when the children are in their care.
Separate Spheres of Influence: Decide which parent is responsible for specific aspects of the child's life (e.g., one parent handles medical decisions, the other handles school-related issues).
Minimal Direct Contact: Use written communication tools like email or apps designed for co-parenting to limit verbal interactions. This reduces the chance of conflict and provides a written record of all communications.
Structured Parenting Plans: Create a detailed parenting plan that outlines every aspect of the children's schedule, leaving no room for manipulation or ambiguity. A court/ solicitor could do this for you - it may take some time to agree/ be ordered but hopefully it will be eventually and you can move forward with your life.
A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that parallel parenting significantly decreased conflict and stress levels among parents and children, particularly in high-conflict divorces involving a narcissistic parent.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Step 4: Seek Legal Protection When Necessary
In some cases, how to set boundaries when co parenting with a narcissist may require legal intervention. If the narcissist consistently violates agreements or engages in harmful behaviour, you may need to seek a court order to enforce your boundaries.
Document Everything: Keep a detailed record of all your interactions, including emails, text messages, and notes from phone calls. This documentation can be invaluable in court if you need to prove the narcissist's patterns of behaviour.
Consider a Restraining Order: If the narcissist's behaviour becomes abusive or threatening, a restraining order might be necessary to protect you and your children.
Use Legal Counsel: Work with a lawyer who has experience in high-conflict divorces involving personality disorders. They can help you to look at the complexities of the legal system in your country and ensure that your rights and boundaries are upheld.
The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers say that 25% of high-conflict divorces involve one or both parties exhibiting narcissistic traits. Legal intervention can be a crucial tool in managing these situations and safeguarding your well-being. Ask for help if you need it.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Step 5: Prioritise Self-Care and Support
Dealing with a narcissistic co-parent can really take a big significant toll on your mental and emotional health. It's essential to prioritise self-care and seek support to manage the stress and anxiety that often accompanies this type of co-parenting.
Therapy: Consider working with a coach and/or therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse or high-conflict relationships. They can provide coping strategies and help you maintain your emotional well-being. Please contact me here if you would welcome my help with this, I'd be only too happy to.
Support Groups: Joining a support group for people dealing with similar situations can provide a sense of community and validation, helping you feel less isolated.
Regular Self-Care: Engage in regular self-care practices such as exercise, meditation, journaling, or any activity that helps you relax and recharge. This really is a must and one we forget to do in high stress situations as we think we don't have time. Honestly, please make the time for you - it will strengthen you and your resilience.
A study by The National Institutes of Health found that individuals who engage in regular self-care practices show lower levels of stress and anxiety, particularly when dealing with high-conflict relationships.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist. Even More Strategies!
How to set boundaries when co parenting with a narcissist might feel like a never-ending battle, but it's important to remember that the boundaries you set are your most powerful tools in maintaining your sanity and protecting your children. Let's go deeper into some additional strategies and resources that can further support you in this immense journey.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Step 6: Maintain Emotional Detachment
One of the biggest challenges when co-parenting with a narcissist is maintaining emotional detachment. Narcissists often use emotional manipulation to maintain control and provoke reactions. By staying emotionally detached, you reduce their power over you and prevent unnecessary conflict.
Grey Rock Technique: This strategy involves becoming as uninteresting and non-reactive as possible in your interactions with the narcissist. By offering no emotional response, you reduce the narcissist's ability to engage in manipulative behaviour. For instance, keep your responses to the bare minimum—simple, factual, and devoid of emotion.
Focus on Facts, Not Feelings: In all interactions, stick to the facts. Avoid discussing your feelings, opinions, or anything that could be twisted by the narcissist. Keep your communications brief, to the point, and focused solely on the logistics of parenting.
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness practice can help you stay calm and centred, especially in the face of provocation. Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing or mindfulness exercises can help you respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. This really will help you, I promise.
The Journal of Clinical Psychology research shows that individuals who practice emotional detachment in high-conflict relationships experience less stress and are better able to maintain their mental health over time. Hooray for that one too!
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Step 7: Empower Your Children with Healthy Boundaries
Children of narcissistic parents often face unique emotional challenges, as they may be subjected to manipulation, guilt, or unrealistic expectations. It's crucial to teach your children about healthy boundaries and how to assert them, even at a young age.
Model Healthy Boundaries: Through your behaviour, demonstrate how to set and maintain boundaries. Show your children that it's okay to say "no," prioritise their own needs, and distance themselves from toxic behaviour.
Encourage Open Communication: Its a good idea to create a safe space for your children to express their feelings and concerns. Let them know that they can come to you with any issues they encounter and that their emotions are always valid.
Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Help your children develop problem-solving skills to deal with difficult situations. Role-playing is useful and play out different scenarios can be an effective way to prepare them for interactions with a narcissistic parent.
According to a study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies, children who are taught to set boundaries and assert themselves are more resilient and better equipped to handle the huge challenges of growing up with a narcissistic parent. A huge relief for those of you in this situation.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Step 8: Understand When to Involve Professionals
There may come a point where the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist require professional intervention beyond what legal measures can offer. Therapists, mediators, and family counsellors can provide invaluable support in navigating these complex dynamics.
Family Therapy: If possible, involve a neutral family therapist or coach who can facilitate communication between you and the narcissistic co-parent. A therapist can help mediate disputes and ensure that the children's needs remain the priority.
Child Custody Evaluators/ Cafcass (UK): In extreme cases where the narcissist's behaviour is harmful to the children, a child custody evaluator may be necessary. These professionals assess the family situation and make recommendations to the court regarding custody arrangements.
Parenting Coordinators: A parenting coordinator helps as they are a neutral third party appointed by the court to help parents resolve conflicts and implement parenting plans. They can be especially helpful in high-conflict cases, as they work to keep interactions focused on the children's best interests.
A 2018 study in the Family Court Review found that the involvement of professionals like parenting coordinators significantly reduced the frequency and intensity of conflicts in high-conflict co-parenting situations, leading to better outcomes for the children involved.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Step 9: Reevaluate and Adjust Boundaries as Needed
How to set boundaries when co parenting with a narcissist? Boundaries are not static; they need to evolve as circumstances change. Regularly reevaluate the effectiveness of your boundaries and adjust them as necessary. This flexibility is critical to maintaining control over the co-parenting relationship and ensuring that your strategies remain effective.
Periodic Reviews: Schedule regular reviews (if you can and not court ordered) of your co-parenting situation, perhaps every few months, to assess whether your boundaries are being respected and whether they're still serving their intended purpose.
Stay Informed: Keep yourself informed about new strategies and legal options that might help in dealing with a narcissistic co-parent. Reading up on recent studies or attending workshops can provide new insights and tools.
Consult with Professionals: If you're unsure about how to adjust your boundaries, consult with a therapist, lawyer, or co-parenting expert. They could offer guidance on how to modify your approach while keeping your children's well-being at the forefront.
According to the American Journal of Family Therapy, parents who regularly reassess and adjust their boundaries report higher levels of satisfaction in their co-parenting relationships, even in high-conflict situations.
How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist Conclusion: Embracing Your Role as a Protector and Guide
Co-parenting with a narcissist and how to set boundaries when co parenting with a narcissist is of course, undoubtedly one of the most difficult situations a parent (and child) can face. However, by setting firm boundaries, maintaining emotional detachment, and seeking professional support when necessary, you can build, I promise, a stable environment for your children and protect your own well-being.
Remember that you are not powerless. Every step you take to establish and enforce boundaries is a step toward reclaiming your life and ensuring that your children grow up with the love and security they deserve. While the road may be difficult, you are not alone—many parents have navigated these challenges successfully, and with the right strategies, you can too.
Stay focused on what truly matters: your children's happiness and your peace of mind. By committing to these boundaries and taking care of yourself, you can rise above the many difficulties of co-parenting with a narcissist and be sure to create a brighter, more peaceful future for you and your children. And that can only be a wonderful thing.
Wishing you the best,
If you've loved learning about 'How to Set Boundaries When Co Parenting with a Narcissist' then you will love my blog about 'How to get over a narcissist relationship?'
If you'd like to take action now, you can join my waiting list for my 2024 'Harmful to Healthy Relationships Course' which will be launched soon. A proven way to change your current reality, change your toxic cycle and find love. Click here to be first in the queue!
Always here,
Livia