How to let go of a toxic relationship when you still love them can be challenging for sure.
Letting go of a toxic relationship is one of the hardest things to do, especially when you still love the person. FACT (if only a Livia Johnson one!)
The emotional attachment, shared memories, and the hope for change can make it seem almost impossible to walk away. Staying in a toxic relationship can have drastic consequences for your mental health as well as your physical health.
In this blog post, I'll share some detailed steps to help you let go of a toxic relationship while still acknowledging your feelings of love.
We'll also investigate some statistics highlighting the importance of making this tough decision.
Understanding Toxic Relationships
Toxic relationships are those that are detrimental to your well-being. And don't we all know it?!
They can manifest through emotional, physical, or psychological abuse. According to a study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, approximately 25% of women and 14% of men have experienced severe intimate partner violence.
Toxic relationships can lead to depression as well as anxiety, and even chronic health issues due to the constant stress and emotional turmoil.
Steps to Let Go of a Toxic Relationship:
1. Acknowledge the Toxicity
The first step is recognizing and admitting that the relationship is toxic. Denial can keep you stuck in a cycle of abuse. Take an honest look at the patterns of behaviour in your relationship.
Are you consistently unhappy? Do you feel drained after interactions? Are your needs and feelings constantly dismissed?
This is a big one. My parents (luckily for me) reinforced this for me every step along the way.
I used to say,' But he's being nice to me today.' My mum said,' That's not normal, Liv. Relationships are highs and lows, but knowing who we are with is a big one.'
She meant that I was married to Jekyll and Hyde and never knew who was coming home at night. That's NOT normal!
2. Seek Support
Isolation can make it difficult to leave a toxic relationship. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups. According to the American Psychological Association, social support is absolutely crucial in helping individuals recover from toxic relationships.
Joining a support group or seeking therapy from someone like myself, can provide a safe space to express your feelings and gain perspective.
My doctor suggested a support group, which I resisted because I thought I wouldn't 'fit in'. When I went, it was incredible. There were women just like me, and I learned to move on and stay safe. Honestly, do it if you can. This was free.
3. Create a Safety Plan
Leaving a toxic relationship can sometimes be dangerous. If your partner has exhibited controlling or abusive behaviours, it's essential to have a safety plan in place.
This might include finding a temporary place to stay, keeping emergency numbers handy, and having a trusted friend or family member on call.
4. Set Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries to ensure you protect yourself emotionally and physically. Communicate your decision to end the relationship with authority and firmly without ambiguity.
Avoid situations where you might be alone with your partner if you feel unsafe. Remember, boundaries are essential for your healing process.
5. Focus on Self-Care
Invest time in activities that help to nurture your well-being. Exercise, meditate, journal, or engage in hobbies that bring you joy.
Self-care is not only about physical health but it is also about emotional and mental rejuvenation. Research by the National Institute of Mental Health shows that self-care practices can significantly reduce stress and improve overall mental health.
6. Reflect on the Reasons
Take time to reflect on why the relationship was toxic. Understanding the dynamics can prevent you from repeating the same patterns in the future.
Write down the incidents and behaviours that led to your decision. This reflection can serve as a reminder during moments of doubt or loneliness.
7. Embrace the Grieving Process
It's normal to grieve the loss of the relationship, even if it was toxic. Definitely allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, and pain of the process.
Bottling up these emotions can hinder your healing process. According to the Grief Recovery Institute, acknowledging and expressing grief is a vital step towards recovery.
8. Seek Professional Help
Therapists like myself and counsellors can provide valuable tools and highly effective strategies to help you successfully navigate the complexities of leaving a toxic relationship.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be extremely effective in helping to change negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
9. Build a New Support System
Aim to surround yourself with positive influences who uplift and support you. Building new friendships and connections can provide a sense of belonging and reinforce your decision to leave the toxic relationship.
Engage in community activities, volunteer work, or join clubs to meet new people.
10. Take One Day at a Time
Healing is a gradual process. Focus on taking one day at a time and celebrating small victories. Be patient with yourself and understand that it's okay to have setbacks.
What matters is your commitment and determination to moving forward and prioritizing your well-being.
'This too will pass' is a phrase I learnt early on. It will, I promise. It has for me and all my clients.
Understanding the Emotional Complexity
Love vs. Toxicity
It's essential to differentiate between love and toxicity. Love should bring you joy, support, and a sense of security. In contrast, a toxic relationship often involves manipulation, control, and emotional or physical harm.
It's possible to love someone who treats you poorly, and this dichotomy can create significant emotional conflict. The American Psychological Association notes that emotional attachment and dependency often complicate the decision to leave, as the brain releases oxytocin, making you feel bonded to your partner despite the negative aspects of the relationship.
The Role of Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance typically refers to the psychological discomfort that is experienced when holding two conflicting beliefs or values. In a toxic relationship, you might love your partner but also recognize their harmful behaviours.
This dissonance can sometimes lead to feelings of guilt, confusion, and helplessness. Understanding this psychological phenomenon can help you realize why leaving a toxic relationship is so challenging and validate your mixed emotions.
I constantly felt guilty, and I still do sometimes. It's normal, so accept it and give yourself breathing space.
Steps to Emotional Healing:
Practice Mindfulness and Meditation
Mindfulness and meditation can help you stay present and manage overwhelming emotions. These practices have been frequently shown to significantly reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.
Regular mindfulness exercises can help you gain clarity and emotional resilience, making it much easier to cope with the transition out of a toxic relationship.
Educate Yourself on Healthy Relationships
Understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship can provide a benchmark for what you deserve. Healthy relationships are always ideally built on mutual respect, trust, and communication.
Educating yourself can help you recognise red flags and avoid falling into similar patterns in the future.
Channel Your Energy into Positive Activities
Redirecting your energy into positive activities can help distract you from the pain and foster a sense of accomplishment.
These could be anything from pursuing a new hobby to volunteering or focusing on career goals. Keeping busy with fulfilling activities can reduce the time spent dwelling on the past.
Establish a Routine
Having a structured daily routine can provide stability and a sense of normalcy during turbulent times.
Set small, achievable goals for each day, and include activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep.
A routine can help you regain control over your life and establish new, healthy habits.
Accept the Process of Letting Go
Letting go is a process, not a single event. Accept that there will be good days and bad days. Some days, you might feel strong and independent, while others, you might feel tempted to return to the toxic relationship.
Accepting this process can reduce self-criticism and foster a more compassionate attitude toward yourself.
Statistics Highlighting the Importance of Letting Go
Mental Health Impact: According to the National Institute of Mental Health, individuals in toxic relationships are at a massively higher risk of developing mental health issues and challenges such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Physical Health: According to information from The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, individuals in abusive relationships have higher rates of chronic illnesses, including heart disease and gastrointestinal disorders, due to the constant stress and trauma.
Longevity and Happiness: Research from the Harvard Study of Adult Development shows that healthy, supportive relationships are among the most significant predictors of long-term happiness and well-being. Conversely, toxic relationships can significantly shorten lifespan and reduce overall life satisfaction.
Conclusion - How To Let Go Of A Toxic Relationship When You Still Love Them?
Leaving a toxic relationship, especially when you still have feelings of love, is a profoundly challenging experience. I am a testament to MANY of these.
However, it is a necessary step towards reclaiming your well-being and happiness. By acknowledging the toxicity, seeking support, setting boundaries, and focusing on self-care, you can begin to heal and move forward.
This journey is about rediscovering your self-worth and creating a life filled with love and respect, both for yourself and for others.
These steps may feel daunting, but each small victory is a step towards a healthier, happier you. Embrace the process with patience and compassion, knowing that you are making the best decision for your future.
You deserve a relationship that feels amazing, a relationship that uplifts and supports you, and by letting go of toxicity, you are opening the door to such possibilities.
You will be strong and happy again. Trust me. I AM.
If you loved 'how to let go of a toxic relationship when you still love them' then you will love my blog about 'What is a toxic relationship?'
If you'd like to take action now, you can join my waiting list for my 2024 'Harmful to Healthy Relationships Course' which will be launched soon. A proven way to change your current reality, change your toxic cycle and find love. Click here to be first in the queue!
Always here,
Livia